Sunday, May 18, 2014

You're Dating It All Wrong (Part 1)

"I ain't settlin'...for just getting by. I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life. Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high..."  ~Sugarland

When I hit the rewind button for the last 15 years, I realize there is one topic that busts it's way in to every social gathering: dating. 

Who gave their ex another chance (That makes 6 chances). The continuous victim of his/her bad decisions. The whining. The never-ending text battles post-break-up. The hook-up with the guy she knew for 12 minutes. And countless examples of perhaps the deadliest silent killer of dating: the lowering of standards...or settling.

I frequently found myself wanting to say the same thing every time: "You're dating all wrong." Instead, I became just another voice in the crowd offering the ambiguous, pat-you-on-the-back counseling. "It will happen when you least expect it." "You'll find someone when you stop trying so hard." 

Well, single people, I'm speaking up now. Welcome to the world's newest model for effective dating…Welcome to The 4 Boxes. It's easy. You'll need a pencil and paper. And some honesty.

With The 4 Boxes model, you are granted 4 containers. They don't have to be boxes—make them buckets, metal tool chests, cookie jars, or those plastic storage units we all had in college…give yourself whatever you feel comfortable using. In a moment, I'm going to ask you to put items in each box based on your current relationship. However, before I continue, let's get the assumptions out of the way: 1. 4 Boxes assumes that you've either been dating the person in question -OR- that mutual dating interest has been shown and you can you speak at a high level about their personality. Crushes and Secret admirers will have to pursue other avenues of strategy. 2. If 4 Boxes is going to be the tool you need to it be, the model should only be used by people looking for healthy, long-term relationships.

Are your containers ready? Good.

Box 1
So Box 1 is the storage for all the characteristics and attributes in a dating partner that you would consider critical requirements, ie., your personal list of "Can't Live Without's". I would expect everyone to want his or her Box 1 to include items such as honesty and understanding, and then you'd include more personalized touches such as family-oriented, career-minded, or athletic. Remember, Box 1 is a Can't Live Without box, not a Dream Human Being box. That's the difference between writing 'athletic' and writing '3 handicap on the golf course' on the outside of the box. YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. What are the necessities you need in a relationship? 

Take some time to consider the items you want in your Box 1 and write them on the outside. I would aim for 6-8 items, but it's your box. When you're finished, the potential volume of your box is the number of items you wrote on it: 8 characteristics = 8 units in your box. With your box labeled, it's time to consider your current relationship. Examine each item on your list, and if your partner meets that item, place 1 arbitrary unit in your box. Now, people, have fun with this!! When I say arbitrary unit, put whatever you want in the box, just know that 8 of them (in this example) fills the box up. Proceed to next item on the list. Repeat until your list has been fully inspected. In one corner of the box, write your fraction for (partner meeting the need)/(potential volume. 1/8?, 4/8?, 8/8?

Box 2
Box 2 will take some deep thought, some reflection, and some brutal honesty from your self. Box 2 is labeled Understood Reciprocation. The concept itself is really easy; however, the brutal honesty part is not. First, hover over your Box 2 and you will notice there are 4 compartments, similar to those tubs of popcorn you get at Christmas with the different flavors. 

Understood Reciprocation is this (repeat the following outloud): My love, my effort, my actions, and my energy will always be matched. I lift a finger for someone because I know that person would lift that finger for me in the same way we'd both jump off a cliff for one another. Box 2 is asking you if your relationship is 50-50 in terms of effort. Box 2 also demands that there are no excuses. An excuse would be, well, he/she would have made that same sacrifice for me, but "______________". There are no 'buts' with Box 2, which is why you have to be honest. Is the same energy level brought to the relationship from both sides? Are both people taking the same steps toward the middle? Are more sacrifices made on one side than the other? Am I the only one trying here?

Time to fill your Box 2 with Popcorn using the table below. In terms of the love, effort, and energy I put into our relationship, my significant other puts:

0%, fill 0 compartments

25%, fill 1 compartment

50%, fill 2 compartments

75%, fill 3 compartments

100%, fill 4 compartments and eat a handful of popcorn as a snack. (Note: if you plan on eating all the popcorn from this exercise, I recommend adding butter at the half-way point. Flavored salt is also good).



Box 3
We live in a fast-paced world that's a blur sometimes. People are active. People are busy. People spin several plates then go to happy hour to complain about it. You may be dating someone who is into sports or church or community service or yoga or social groups or partying or singing or ballroom dance. Any or all of those are perfectly normal, but when they are thrown into a world of dating, the universe becomes a balancing act. But, how is it balanced?

Box 3 is labeled Unquestionable Prioritization. Two polysyllabic words that really want to know one thing:

Career Demands and Extracurricular Life aside, does this person make me feel like I'm a top priority at the end of the day? When it's really important, do I feel important in this person's life?

Ah, yes, another soul-searcher.

If the answer is No, don't touch your Box 3. If the answer is Sometimes, fill your box 33% full of dirt, and if the answer is Yes, fill your box completely full with whatever you'd like.


Box 4
Box 4 is your Treat Box. Pretend your Box 4 is 'half' full of candy. Every time your significant other displays an act that shows love, affection, compassion, kindness, thoughtfulness, selflessness, or courage towards you, place a treat in the box—candy or chocolate will work fine. (Amazing acts can be granted 2 pieces if you'd like). Every time he or she commits an act that might be considered selfish, hateful, greedy, inconsiderate, cold, or rude towards you, take a treat out of the box. You may have to project or even take the time to study the patterns over a week or a month...but in the end, would your box be losing candy (negative behaviors outweigh the positives) or would your box eventually fill up and spill over? (positives far outweigh the negatives). Hint: your box should be overflowing. You deserve that.

Take 30 seconds to study your boxes…

So here's where we sit, ladies and gentlemen. To conduct this exercise, you have someone in your life who you might be debating as appropriate for a long-term, committed relationship. You also have 4 Boxes in front of you. Before we process the results of this survey, you need to be reminded that the 4 Boxes genie does not create or manipulate attraction, chemistry, conflict resolution, or financial woes. This exercise is to test whether your somebody meets your relationship needs. There are plenty of intangibles outside the scope of this text that you can debate with Dr. Phil at later date.

And after all your effort, here it goes: If you have 4 Full Boxes in front of you, that person is a great candidate for you to pursue a long-term arrangement with. If you do not have 4 Full Boxes in front of you, then he or she may not be. (Crickets chirp) Were you expecting Calculus? Let's say you have 3 ½ full boxes….it's simply time to ask yourself—are you one to settle? Are you one to be content and not completely happy? Are you willing to feel less significant than other people and events? Are you willing to constantly treat someone better than you are treated in return? Those are for you to answer, not me.

Revisit us next week for the Defense of Each Box...


Until then I hope everyone stays motivated to find 4 full boxes one day. Happy Hunting.

~Coach Jake

P.S. Visit www.maximalme.com to see how Life Coaching applies to relationships.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Your/You're Kitchen Grammarification

When comforting a Grammar Nazi, I always say softly, "There,Their,They're."

Do you have 1 or both of these people in your life? 1. The one who points out every spelling or sentence error you've ever typed, or 2. The one who seems to struggle with basic punctuation and sentence construction. They both love spelling, right? One loves [for you] to spell perfectly...and the other loves not knowing how to spell. The former drives you crazy, and the latter makes you wonder if he/she finished the 5th grade. Did 2 names pop into your head?

We scorn these people and attack them silently. We wish the Grammar Police would go away, and we'd prefer the problematic linguist to grow up and get bit smarter. (Pause...deep breath). OK,What if we started to embrace these folks to help our own cause? What if we changed our outlook on grammar?

Pretend you're cleaning your house because your parents are coming over....or maybe a date. (The parent analogy works better if mom and dad still manage your overall cleanliness.)  You spend 3 hours making your house immaculate. Windows are streak-free and clear. Floors mopped so you can eat off of them. The vacuum lines show a perfect pattern in the carpet. You even broke down and bought a fragrant plug-in. Here's the kicker, though: Your parents or guests arrive and walk-in with hugs. After the greeting, the first comment is focused on the 1 bowl of spaghetti from 2 night ago. The sauce is hardened and dishwasher can't handle it. Perhaps an ant has discovered it as well.  It's the one thing you just didn't have time for...and someone noticed. Now you're deflated.

That's grammar, folks.

No one praises sound sentence structure, punctuation, or spelling in your daily communication...it's just kind of expected. But the second a your is swapped for you're and a there replaces their incorrectly, we're haunted by English teachers of years past.

Revisiting our 2 friends from above: They both have value in our lives. They both remind us to maintain a moderate level of attention to detail to our e-mails, memos, and letters because there are always eyes watching. And while some of those eyes judge us, others will make permanent mental notes that just might affect (see diagram below) future advancements or professional opportunities. Recap: No kudos for your good grammar. Punishment for the one dirty spelling in your kitchen.

Let's eat grandpa. Let's eat, grandpa.  See, grammar ultimately saves lives.

Happy dreams with sound sentence structure,

~Coach Jake

P.S. Ask me how www.MaximalMe.com can help your proofread and review your important documents.







Monday, May 5, 2014

Making Love Online

"I'm probably single because I never forwarded those chain messages in 2008." ~lolsotrue #2450


I can't explain when or why 'Online Dating' became taboo, but it makes me scratch my head. Yes, your mother thinks it's just an episode of 20/20 or Dateline waiting to happen...but everyone else who feels it's socially unacceptable seem to glow of slight misunderstanding and maybe even hypocrisy. I'll explain...

Let's pretend you're 20 minutes into an Online Date....identity (and profile pictures) is confirmed. Conversation is flowing. You're enjoying yourself, but even if you're not, it's irrelevant. At that moment you can check the 'identity' box, does it really honestly matter where you 2 met?  Once you're over the first date anxiety and onto drink #2, you could have met anywhere: the bar, Wal-Mart, Online Dating, or your grandfather could have hit him with the car.  Again, does it matter? Great first dates and dud first dates happen every day-it's just a part of dating. You can't blame the Internet...all it did was introduce you two.

What's next? Oh, yes: "There are too many freaks and crazy people online." As my mind starts to rebuttal, it quickly drifts to my daily Facebook feed. Everyday I get to read about all the horrible break-ups, drama queen sob stories, stalkers, and the people who keep running back to their train wreck relationships. So, yes, there are some crazies on the Internet, but the rebuttal remains in the fact that those people also live offline...and lots of them are downtown roaming the streets ready to meet you at any moment. Conclusion: Crazy people are everywhere, and your screening processes and filters need to operate everywhere.

Where does the hypocrisy come into this?  Consider the bar scene downtown on any given Saturday. You've watched you and your friends flirt...then 'hook-up'.... and then go home with a guy (or girl) who you've known for 2 hours over 6 beers, 3 shot of Fireball, and loud music. You can't (in sound mind) support this pro-STD debauchery and then suddenly challenge the safety of the Internet. Sure we could also talk about privacy issues, but how come you've never questioned handing your credit card to a stranger (waiter) at a restaurant as you watch them disappear for 10 minutes.

If nothing else, the Internet helps your pre-screening process.  When you're talking to a brand new 'option' at a bar, you're usually starting from ground zero with absolutely no background information (which the author admits can be fun sometimes). However, an Online Dating profile and ritualistic communication at least allows you to filter some basic hobbies, interests, and career information.  So for your average dating experience, would you rather your starting point be nothing? or would knowing some personalized commonalities create an efficient world?  Ever talk to someone for an hour before you realized she was a smoker? He was an atheist? She hates hiking? He'd be allergic to all your cats?

So what's the final conclusion? The most successful online daters are the ones who use Match.com and the likes as just another way to meet people. It's not used as the end-all-be-all of dating. It doesn't consume them. They don't dwell on Match.com email replies (or lack thereof). Most importantly: they are smart about it, and they don't compromise their own standards for safety. Here are 3 basic tips for your Online Dating pursuits:

For Women
1. Never meet at your house, his house, or in a secluded area for the first time.
2. Use the transgression of email to phone, and then phone to 'in-person.' Feel completely comfortable before moving up the ladder.
3. Never be talked out of your comfort zone and trust your instincts.

For Men
1. Put some thought, time, and effort into your profile and emails.
2. Be stewards of grammar.
3. Let your communication reflect that you've read her profile.

Happy Hunting,

~Coach Jake

P.S. Ask me how the ABC's of Online Chatting & Dating and other Online Dating tips can boost your success immediately.