15 'Friends' You Should Consider Removing From Your Life

“It’s not my job to be great at everything. It’s my job to surround myself with people that fill the gaps.” ~Chalene Johnson

Solid, balanced relationships are the foundation to several entities: friendships, marriages, businesses, alliances- to name a few. It should be inherent to surround yourself with the most happy, positive, productive, and motivating people that is possible. But for some reason, we don’t often do it. If you often find yourself doubting the circle(s) that surrounds you, it just might be time to clean house. While you're dusting, you can be on the lookout for these 'friends' to be the first ones to go. Each could be a man or woman, a boy or a girl- so I'll mix it up to provide gender equality.

1. The Significant Other or ‘Friend’ Who is ‘All Take’ and ‘No Give.’

We start with a prevalent dating topic (that’s applicable to friendships) because it's a theme that many people simply seem to accept a lower standard: "I feel like I make all the effort. (Yet I do nothing about it)."  If you've expressed your concerns and yet have received zero change in reciprocation, why would you keep waiting around for a situation to change? The typical next step is the 'break-up' and only then the person magically starts to understand. If it took drastic measures to make your point, it was never worth your time anyway.

2. The 'Friend' whose stories all start 'One time when I was drunk' or 'I got drunk last night'.

Social drinking and getting hammered every now and then is always acceptable. However, you can certainly take notice if that's all she ever brings to the table. Every lush needs witnesses to tell them about what they did last night. But she doesn’t need you--that's why God invented camera phones and Instagram.

3. The One-Sided Lunch ‘Friend’

You two meet every so often for lunch, but once you’re there, you can’t get a word in edge-wise. There also seems to be an absence of inquiries into your life and current events. Seek balance in all relationships…no matter where you eat.

4. The Anti-Addiction-Breaking ‘Friend’

Maybe you stopped smoking…Stopped doing drugs…Stopped drinking all together. You’re proud of yourself for the healthy accomplishment. But if your buddy tries to be the devil on the shoulder this Saturday night—“adios, sir.” Temptation is everywhere, so embrace those who embrace your goals.

5. The One-Upper ‘Friend’

Perhaps he’s your salesman or your ‘Type-A’ friend, but if you ran 5 miles yesterday, he ran 6 miles this morning. If your toddler counted to 20, his counted to 50. The occasional out-bid-you, out-did-you is acceptable, but if you never even get 2 minutes of uninterrupted limelight, it’s time to reconsider. Maybe if enough people roll their eyes and stop inviting him/her places, they'll get the hint.

6. The Flake ‘Friend’

Characterized by constant no-show’s and supplemented with an encyclopedia-of-last minute excuses. See how she reacts when the invites stop coming.

7. The Can I Borrow a Few Bucks 'Friend' (Every. Single. Time.)

I certainly have no problems loaning cash for a couple of drinks or lunches every now and then—who doesn’t? The problem occurs, however, when the borrower makes zero effort to pay the bank back…and then applies for multiple loans. Try choosing restaurants with free rolls and then deny the loan. Maybe he’ll get the hint.

8. The All I bring is Drama 'Friend'  

Sister to…#9…

9. The Debbie Downer Friend

This person can single-handedly suck the life out of an energetic circle because every word and story pouring out of her mouth is negative and draining. He cheated on me (again)…I hate my life…My boss is terrible…My job sucks…He never called. Really no explanation needed. Even your ears and patience have breaking points.

10. The Exaggerator-Attention Getter

Usually this person has parents that have gone overboard on the praise since kindergarten. Oh wait, is the group not talking about me? Then I shall tell grossly exaggerated versions of what’s going on with me and what happened last night until the group is focused on me, me, me. And by exaggerated I mean lies.

11. The Doesn't Listen to Repetitive Good Advice

‘Friend’…distant cousin to:

12. The Constant Victim of My Own Bad Choices ‘Friend’

Deluxe versions of #8 & #9. You want to be the best friend you can, and that role includes giving advice when the situation calls for it. But if your friend not only ignores the advice, but also keeps bringing the same repetitive drama/B.S./story to the table, then after a while it’s time for you to just save the oxygen.

13. The Ex Who Doesn’t Believe in Closure

Broken up, yet this person still wants to check-in, text constantly, and ‘make sure you’re doing alright.’ If you need closure, get your closure by invoking a ‘no contact’ rule until you’re ready. Make people respect your boundaries.

14. Half Guilt-Tripper, Half Bully ‘Friend’

We’re going to do what I want to do, and if you don’t, you’re a terrible friend and a bad person. A true manipulator who uses the power of pity to get what he wants. So we’re packing our bags and going on a guilt trip to You won’t be hearing from me for a while.

15. The Person Who Reads This List and Doesn't Believe He (or She) is Any of  Them. (But she (or he) actually batting .700. That's 70% for non-sports fans)

The all-inclusive friend. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt…nor is it absent in social circles. Recognize your personal short-comings and your friends might actually love you for it.

It’s highly probable that names popped into your head as your read each label. The ultimate solution doesn’t have to be kicking them to the curb.  Distancing yourself, however, might be a healthy decision. The choice is ultimately yours, but you’re not going to convince me that you enjoy one-sided, life-sucking relationships that don't provide any value. The key questions end up being: 1. Is this an equal relationship? and 2. Does this person bring a positive net worth into my life?  Net worth = Positive Experiences - Negative Experiences.

Or…flip the coin. Maybe 1-15 hit a nerve and you're thinking, Oh gosh, is that me?  Just ask yourself: It can be a big table- but I do I bring more negative or positive to it?

Leading a balanced, motivated life can be greatly influenced by every person and group that’s in your life. Some (say a project team at work), you can’t avoid. With others, though, the controls and reigns are all yours. Use that power. You’ll know you’re using it correctly when you’re able to harness positive energy from every friend and social circle in your comfort zone…and that energy is helping you be the best person you can be.

Until Next time,

~Coach Jake

P.S. Ask how the Maximal Me "4 Boxes" model can help you strengthen your relationships.

How Your Interview and Speech Find Their Funeral

"It usually takes me more than 3 weeks to prepare a good impomptu speech."
~Mark Twain

You have a big interview or presentation in 2 days...how many things are on your to-do list? Are your personal prose and dialect a priority? 

Imagine this:You’re sitting there calm and poised—you really want this job. Or, you’re standing at a podium doing your best to engage an audience that is approaching it's breaking point for lost attention. You’ve already promised yourself you wouldn’t resort to picturing the crowd naked, so that's out. The questions from the crowd (or the interviewer) are tame at this point, but your mind starts questioning whether you’re putting your best foot forward. You have solid points to make, so the middle of a sentence is an unfortunate time to a have a quiet panic attack. Beneath all the dialect, your subconscious is summoning all the practice and rehearsal that’s critical to your success. But here’s the kicker: Unless you’re aware of your speech deficiencies, all the practice in the world won’t eliminate the nuances you’ve been projecting naturally for 20 years. So the next time you’re in front of the mirror, add these 3 Kamikaze tactics to your list of things to evaluate (and avoid):

1. YOUR SPACE FILLERS, YA KNOW?

Ummmmmmmmmm, you’re flowing so smoothly that your fallback job could easily be a car salesman. You actually sound like a subject-matter expert. Then, before you know it, you realize you’ve paused in place where a ‘period’ should go…but, sadly, you made it a 'comma.' No worries—your brain comes to your rescue by muttering sounds (not necessarily words) it finds pleasing. This assistance comes in many forms that includes but is not limited to:

“UMM,” “YA KNOW?,” lip-smacking, excessive use of "like," “LITERALLY,” “BASICALLY,” and “AH.”

Your space fillers are inserted naturally, and using fillers doesn’t necessarily make you a bad public speaker...but they add absolutely NOTHING to your presentation and they may attack your credibility. Inadvertently ending a stence with ‘and’ falls into this group as well because many people are so eager to speak their next point, they forget they don’t really have one. Excessive use of 'like' is a big no-no if you want to avoid teenage girl dialect: "I was like uh huh, and she was like no!, and then i was like oh yes it did!"

Remedy: Preparation and Analysis. Voice and video recording can help you pinpoint the situations where you use fillers and why you might be using them. Sometimes slowing down your talking pace will allow your brain to shutdown your thoughts on time, so your words imply ‘period’ instead of ‘comma.’  Preparation through repetition also improves your knowledge and timing of your speech, which would allow you to avoid fillers through confidence. The practice would also allow you to rehearse other actions such as advancing a slide or asking the audience for feedback. Finally, PLEASE be sure to practice reenacting dialogue and conversation by not using the word 'like.'

2. FADING and DYING

You start out strong and really energetic, but even Father Time catches up to sentences and eventually strangles the life out of what you have to say leaving you at zero volume or a mumble when you’re done.

Down the sink they go: your powerful  points. Your closure. Your ‘drive it home’…all lost. Your skeptical audience doesn’t get a chance to hear your finish or feed off your energy because your ran out of energy and volume in the home stretch.

Remedy: Pace and Breathing. With an interview or public speaking engagement, several thoughts might need your car salesman closure, and even though you want to start out with full-force, pacing yourself would be the better option. You can still be emphatic at the beginning of a paragraph without running out of gas by the end. First, figure out how you’re breathing. Most experts for public speaking encourage you to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth while using your diaphragm muscles to project your voice. If you feel you’re pacing yourself nicely, simply monitor your volume to maintain a good voice throughout your entire point. Close out a sentence with clarity and emphasis.

3. THE INDECISIVE...LUNCH?

To drive this point home, all I need is for you to recall the frustration the last time your colleagues couldn’t decide on a place to eat because 1 person couldn’t decide on what ‘sounded good.’ Nerve-racking…pick a place for lunch, already. A cousin to Space Fillers, the indecisive soul may begin with solid planning and direction, but then sadly erases credibility at the very end:

“In other words, the 60% growth shown in the TSP reports can be easily outsourced to our Omaha branch…I guess.”   Starting and especially ending anything with ‘I think’ or ‘I guess’ will only have you thinking and guessing who gets the next promotion.

Remedy: Stand Firm and be Conclusive. After you eliminate ‘I think’ and ‘I guess’ from your prose, then you can work on driving every point home as if you’d bet your first born child and mortgage on whatever you’re selling.

Figuring out how your speech is affected by stressful situations will also help eliminate the barriers between you and your next big goal. Practice, combined with the analysis of your dialogue is a powerful, yet often forgotten, method to enhancing your professional profile. You get one shot at an interview or to impress a crowd- make it count.

Until Next Time,

~Coach Jake

Request a FREE copy of the Maximal Me 12-Point Interview Checklist from: jake@MaximalME.com