The Screaming Red Flags of Dating

"You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you-you-you-you-you-you-you....I wanna talk about me!" ~Toby Keith, I Wanna Talk About Me

Imagine if you will....You're 8 months into a relationship. There you sit, comfortably enjoying a meal at a restaurant, when all of the sudden your date [insert one of the following that makes you cringe: has a conversation with his/her mouth full of food; makes a racist/intolerant comment; lights up a cigarette; curses the server over a mistake; burps with no 'excuse me'; downplays your thoughts or opinions.]

Now your seat is less comfortable. Your toes are curling. Your blood is boiling. You're halfway to offended. But then reality slaps you across the face as you have a flashback to the 2nd and 3rd and 4th dates....

You realize the person sitting across from you has been committing these crimes (well, in your eyes anyway) for months now. He/she didn't hide anything! It was right in front of your eyes, and you witnessed every single event. The disgust you're feeling right now can ultimately be traced back to ignoring the warning signs 8 months ago.


The most important question might be 'Why?' but let's expand that a bit:  Why do we turn our heads to the red flags? Is the behavior just a cute quirk in the initial courting stage? If our guards are higher in the beginning, why are our filters lower? Why are they 'red' flags? Red is the symbol for fire and love. They should be 'orange'...the international symbol for caution and hazardous waste.

Ah, yes. I know some of you in the audience have your hand in the air; silently screaming to make a counter-point to the premise thus far. Let me ease your anxiety: Yes, some of these Red Flag behaviors don't even come out until month 3 or 4. A deception beast that's been biting its tongue for months...just waiting for the comfort zone to kick in...kind of like farting in front of a new partner: Once you do it the first time, it automatically becomes socially acceptable all the time.

Every dating duo, whether they become exclusive or not, reaches a point-of-no-return for comfort and behavior. That line in the sand is like discovering the truth about Santa: Most of us can't remember the exact moment, we just know it happened at some point. Seeing as these behaviors can be critical to your happiness, it's time to start paying attention to the line in the sand. Once the true colors are out, they are most likely not going anywhere.

In either case, your actions (or reactions) are really the only thing that counts. Controversial and offensive behaviors are called Red Flags for a reason. Your partner sees them as normal. Your moral standards sees them as ugly. Turning your head would seem to be an act of lowering your standards. So just how low can you go?

But I'd like to help with the power of synergy. I summoned 10 of Nashville's finest, and I asked them: What are YOUR Red Flags.

Here's our Top 30 Red Flags of Dating (as told by Music City):

No reciprocation/only talks about himself/herself

Lack of chivalry

Downplaying of smoking or drugs

Talk about Exes too much

Excuses for everything: Being late. Not calling. Not texting back.

Lack of job/motivation to get a job

No/poor relationship with family 

No career plan

Lives with parents

Indecisiveness or lack of planning

Constant phone/social media attention

Too many stories about drinking

Too little/too much confidence

Unwillingness to learn new things

Unwillingness to explore new cultures

People who have no hobbies

Poor manners/Bad hygiene

Indirect/swaying answers

Hiding/exaggerating pertinent information

Temper explosions

Rude to servers/bartenders/waiters

His/her schedule > your schedule

Name dropping (hints of money)

Text only communication. No calling.

Eyes wander to check others out

Posting their entire lives on social media

Always wanting to go out and be seen/be a socialite

Only calling/texting during certain hours including late night

Unusually high number of opposite sex friends

Crazy cat lady

Now THAT is a great list. One time I got to a 5th date and realized she had yet to ask a single question about me. One month in, and she knew nothing about my job, my family, or my passions. And if I hadn't stopped the madness when I did, I would have ended up dating whoever Toby Keith was dating when he wrote the song I Wanna Talk About Me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Thank you, Nashville, for your help.

The red flags are waving. Don't wave back. Find better colors for yourself.

~Coach Jake


P.S. Ask how MaximalMe.com Life Coaching can enhance your dating filters so you can date more effectively.

Mastering the Job you Hate

"OH, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar." ~George Carlin

Stop me if you've heard this one! You're sitting at your work desk. You're easily distracted by...well, everything. You're bitter. You can't remember the last time you were productive. But if you really stop to think about it, you can't even pinpoint why you're in a 'work-rut'. So you end up blaming everything: Your supervisor is terrible. Deadlines are too quick. The company doesn't listen to me or value its employees. The work environment, in your opinion, is not conducive to...well, anything.

And that's your professional life as you know it. A downward spiral to misery.

The good news is: You're not alone. (Which really only means anything if you believe in strength and support in numbers.) The more good news is that YOU can do better...and it doesn't even have to mean finding a new job. You can simply do better at the job you have.

First, let's talk about your focus. Along, perhaps, with your concern and influence. Oh, God, you're thinking....he's going to beat me with a Covey stick. Not at all...I promise- but I do want you to conduct an evaluation as to why your positive energy evaporates on a daily basis. You just might be surprised.

I talk to job-disgruntled people every single day, and I always receive the most surprised looks when I ask them one simple question: Are you wasting time worrying about things you can't control? And the alarming answer is almost always 'yes'. We remain so irritated at situations out of our control that the excuses halt productivity. We surf the Internet. We endlessly scroll Facebook. We shop online. And even worse...we justify it all.

It's the quickest formula to not getting a promotion or raise you've ever seen...and for you...it all stops NOW. I have 2 tasks (plus a bonus) for you, so let's begin by examining Figure 1:

The BIG circle shown below is your Circle of Concern. This boundary contains everything that gets you stirred up...everything you care about...and everything that ignites emotion. Take a second to let that soak in.

Figure 1: Circle of Concern vs Influence

The SMALLER circle is your Circle of Influence. Items in here include everything your actions and attitudes can impact. You control and influence everything in this circle. You have the power.

Figure 2 below shows just how out-of-control our Circle of Concern might become. We become possessed by too many external factors. A more basic example for the concepts can be seen with the comparisons of parenting an infant versus the parenting a 16 year-old. Your concerns for the teenager might be bigger or more plentiful, but your influence might be smaller. Whereas with the infant, you have an incredible amount of influence, yet your concerns would be more focused on current well-being of the baby.

Exercise: Draw the circles for yourself to get a snapshot of your personal or career environments. Are you wasting time on things out of your control? Is it time to redirect your efforts?

Figure 2: What's in your Circle of Concern?

Bottom line: Proactive people focus their efforts in areas they can affect and make changes. It allows their Circle of Influence to grow through experience and knowledge. With their motivation channeled on items they can control and their Circle of influence growing, 'The Gap' (see Figure 1) will shrink with every micro-achievement. Plus, spending less time and energy worrying about areas they can't control is a huge time management boost. It's a win-win.

The 2nd thing you can do to help your cause is pretty easy. Simply remember that negative energy in the workplace is contagious. If you want to be known as motivated, innovative, or positive, then all your actions must reflect it.

Are you feeling really motivated? Then harness your innovation and people skills to be a leader of change in your office. If the office environment is affecting attitudes...then why not implement measures that boost productivity? That's how leaders make their mark.

It may very well be time for a new job. There's nothing wrong with that. We'll polish up your resume`, knock the lint off your dress clothes, and sharpen up your interview skills. These days finding a new job is a small war, and you need to be ready to battle. But in the meantime, promise me you'll only fight the battles at your current job that are worth fighting. Put your energy and strength in places that deserve it.

~Coach Jake

P.S. Ask me how MaximalMe.com can help your business or organization enhance its working environment with my 2-hour "4 C's" program for Inner-Office Communication.

Email jake@MaximalMe.com for more Influence vs. Concern exercises.