The Screaming Red Flags of Dating

"You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you-you-you-you-you-you-you....I wanna talk about me!" ~Toby Keith, I Wanna Talk About Me

Imagine if you will....You're 8 months into a relationship. There you sit, comfortably enjoying a meal at a restaurant, when all of the sudden your date [insert one of the following that makes you cringe: has a conversation with his/her mouth full of food; makes a racist/intolerant comment; lights up a cigarette; curses the server over a mistake; burps with no 'excuse me'; downplays your thoughts or opinions.]

Now your seat is less comfortable. Your toes are curling. Your blood is boiling. You're halfway to offended. But then reality slaps you across the face as you have a flashback to the 2nd and 3rd and 4th dates....

You realize the person sitting across from you has been committing these crimes (well, in your eyes anyway) for months now. He/she didn't hide anything! It was right in front of your eyes, and you witnessed every single event. The disgust you're feeling right now can ultimately be traced back to ignoring the warning signs 8 months ago.


The most important question might be 'Why?' but let's expand that a bit:  Why do we turn our heads to the red flags? Is the behavior just a cute quirk in the initial courting stage? If our guards are higher in the beginning, why are our filters lower? Why are they 'red' flags? Red is the symbol for fire and love. They should be 'orange'...the international symbol for caution and hazardous waste.

Ah, yes. I know some of you in the audience have your hand in the air; silently screaming to make a counter-point to the premise thus far. Let me ease your anxiety: Yes, some of these Red Flag behaviors don't even come out until month 3 or 4. A deception beast that's been biting its tongue for months...just waiting for the comfort zone to kick in...kind of like farting in front of a new partner: Once you do it the first time, it automatically becomes socially acceptable all the time.

Every dating duo, whether they become exclusive or not, reaches a point-of-no-return for comfort and behavior. That line in the sand is like discovering the truth about Santa: Most of us can't remember the exact moment, we just know it happened at some point. Seeing as these behaviors can be critical to your happiness, it's time to start paying attention to the line in the sand. Once the true colors are out, they are most likely not going anywhere.

In either case, your actions (or reactions) are really the only thing that counts. Controversial and offensive behaviors are called Red Flags for a reason. Your partner sees them as normal. Your moral standards sees them as ugly. Turning your head would seem to be an act of lowering your standards. So just how low can you go?

But I'd like to help with the power of synergy. I summoned 10 of Nashville's finest, and I asked them: What are YOUR Red Flags.

Here's our Top 30 Red Flags of Dating (as told by Music City):

No reciprocation/only talks about himself/herself

Lack of chivalry

Downplaying of smoking or drugs

Talk about Exes too much

Excuses for everything: Being late. Not calling. Not texting back.

Lack of job/motivation to get a job

No/poor relationship with family 

No career plan

Lives with parents

Indecisiveness or lack of planning

Constant phone/social media attention

Too many stories about drinking

Too little/too much confidence

Unwillingness to learn new things

Unwillingness to explore new cultures

People who have no hobbies

Poor manners/Bad hygiene

Indirect/swaying answers

Hiding/exaggerating pertinent information

Temper explosions

Rude to servers/bartenders/waiters

His/her schedule > your schedule

Name dropping (hints of money)

Text only communication. No calling.

Eyes wander to check others out

Posting their entire lives on social media

Always wanting to go out and be seen/be a socialite

Only calling/texting during certain hours including late night

Unusually high number of opposite sex friends

Crazy cat lady

Now THAT is a great list. One time I got to a 5th date and realized she had yet to ask a single question about me. One month in, and she knew nothing about my job, my family, or my passions. And if I hadn't stopped the madness when I did, I would have ended up dating whoever Toby Keith was dating when he wrote the song I Wanna Talk About Me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Thank you, Nashville, for your help.

The red flags are waving. Don't wave back. Find better colors for yourself.

~Coach Jake


P.S. Ask how MaximalMe.com Life Coaching can enhance your dating filters so you can date more effectively.

Part 2: Because You're Still Dating It All Wrong

"Women are like cars. We all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pick-up truck, and end up with a station wagon."  ~Tim Allen 

We're baaaaaa'aaaaaack.  Wow. What a backlash I took from Part 1 (which you'll have to read by the way, for this segment to make any sense.)   "Box 1 is impossible, your Can't Live Without List is either always changing or you may not know it all." "Dating isn't meant for math (and thus an objective model.)" And my favorite: "My relationships don't last long enough to make this test work."

When I first developed The 4 Boxes, I'll gladly admit the final product was the collision of dating disasters (both  mine and my circle of friends) with my engineering desire to use metrics to tidy-up the chaos. Is it perfect? By no means. But if you ask me if it could be used to get a message across and perhaps motivate someone to take action...I'll answer with an emphatic yes.

People may not like math, but many do like pictures. If you follow the directions, you'll have a visual aid representing a snapshot of your relationship. Now you may or may not like what you see...but it's still yours. Plus, the system will have a bit more credibility with an image you created without having to listen to Dr. Phil's condescending voice. Now it's time for Processing. Improvement and change should be your goals, or at least would be the next logical step. A step which would be most beneficial when you or a friend is stuck in no-man's land: Is this relationship long-term worthy? Do I want to go to the next step?

For the model to have credibility for you, it's important you absorb the justification for each segment. Thus, I present...the Defense of Each Box.

I'm guessing those of you who fell short might be struggling with the inner conflict to defend anything less than 4 full boxes. Your fight-or-flight instincts are flared. If you're going to fight that battle, I ask you to first examine each box individually in order to investigate the source of the missing points.

Box 1: Can't Life Withouts 

This is the box of your 'Cant-Live-Without-These-Qualities' list, so if you were truthful and accurate when you made the list, a non-full box means you are short-changing both yourself and your needs. Action Required? You can revisit the list of attributes and evaluate them in terms of 'Deal-makers' and 'Deal Breakers'. Otherwise, you deemed several items of Can't-Live-Without-Importance…so don't live without any of them.

Box 2: Understood Reciprocation

Ask anyone who has ever been married or engaged for a long time…long-term relationships are hard, hard work, and that work never ever stops. That kind of unity demands an undying effort towards the success of the relationship. At the end of the day, you want someone whose effort in the relationship is undeniable—it's a critical piece to continual commitment. Why would you want to feel like you are 'doing all the work'? The 50-50 concept should be applied to ALL facets of the relationship. After all, if it's one-sided when things are good, it's certainly going to be one-sided when times are bad.

Box 3: Unquestionable Prioritization 

I can't name one person who is dating and excited about somebody who doesn't feel like a priority. Inclusion in someone's life goes beyond effort—it's about: do I feel like I'm important to this person? Do I get the Friday and Saturday nights? Do I get preference before the friends? Do I get the invites when it's important? Does this person make sacrifices to make sure I'm a part of things? Prioritization is in essence a ranking, and if you don't feel important—how long are you willing to take a backseat to everything else?


Box 4: Your Treat Box

Box 4 should be overflowing, and that's the bottom-line. These are YOUR treats, and Box 4 is symbolic of how this person goes out of his or her way to love you. Anything less than full means the person is instilling more negative actions than positive into your life...more selfish than caring; being more hateful than thoughtful. And I don't know anyone who wants to live like that. Find yourself a situation where your Box 4 never stops being too small for it's contents. You deserve that.

And there you have it. Are any of the Boxes bound by criteria you're ready to compromise? lower your standards for?  Are you still unsettled? Comment below. At the very least, you can pass this along to the girlfriend who complains ever happy hour that her relationship is going nowhere. Hand her a pen, and you'll then have 20 minutes to talk about something else. You're welcome.

~Coach Jake

P.S. Life Coaching applies to dating just as easy as finances and health & fitness. Check out www.MaximalMe.com and ask me how.

You're Dating It All Wrong (Part 1)

"I ain't settlin'...for just getting by. I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life. Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high..."  ~Sugarland

When I hit the rewind button for the last 15 years, I realize there is one topic that busts it's way in to every social gathering: dating. 

Who gave their ex another chance (That makes 6 chances). The continuous victim of his/her bad decisions. The whining. The never-ending text battles post-break-up. The hook-up with the guy she knew for 12 minutes. And countless examples of perhaps the deadliest silent killer of dating: the lowering of standards...or settling.

I frequently found myself wanting to say the same thing every time: "You're dating all wrong." Instead, I became just another voice in the crowd offering the ambiguous, pat-you-on-the-back counseling. "It will happen when you least expect it." "You'll find someone when you stop trying so hard." 

Well, single people, I'm speaking up now. Welcome to the world's newest model for effective dating…Welcome to The 4 Boxes. It's easy. You'll need a pencil and paper. And some honesty.

With The 4 Boxes model, you are granted 4 containers. They don't have to be boxes—make them buckets, metal tool chests, cookie jars, or those plastic storage units we all had in college…give yourself whatever you feel comfortable using. In a moment, I'm going to ask you to put items in each box based on your current relationship. However, before I continue, let's get the assumptions out of the way: 1. 4 Boxes assumes that you've either been dating the person in question -OR- that mutual dating interest has been shown and you can you speak at a high level about their personality. Crushes and Secret admirers will have to pursue other avenues of strategy. 2. If 4 Boxes is going to be the tool you need to it be, the model should only be used by people looking for healthy, long-term relationships.

Are your containers ready? Good.

Box 1
So Box 1 is the storage for all the characteristics and attributes in a dating partner that you would consider critical requirements, ie., your personal list of "Can't Live Without's". I would expect everyone to want his or her Box 1 to include items such as honesty and understanding, and then you'd include more personalized touches such as family-oriented, career-minded, or athletic. Remember, Box 1 is a Can't Live Without box, not a Dream Human Being box. That's the difference between writing 'athletic' and writing '3 handicap on the golf course' on the outside of the box. YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. What are the necessities you need in a relationship? 

Take some time to consider the items you want in your Box 1 and write them on the outside. I would aim for 6-8 items, but it's your box. When you're finished, the potential volume of your box is the number of items you wrote on it: 8 characteristics = 8 units in your box. With your box labeled, it's time to consider your current relationship. Examine each item on your list, and if your partner meets that item, place 1 arbitrary unit in your box. Now, people, have fun with this!! When I say arbitrary unit, put whatever you want in the box, just know that 8 of them (in this example) fills the box up. Proceed to next item on the list. Repeat until your list has been fully inspected. In one corner of the box, write your fraction for (partner meeting the need)/(potential volume. 1/8?, 4/8?, 8/8?

Box 2
Box 2 will take some deep thought, some reflection, and some brutal honesty from your self. Box 2 is labeled Understood Reciprocation. The concept itself is really easy; however, the brutal honesty part is not. First, hover over your Box 2 and you will notice there are 4 compartments, similar to those tubs of popcorn you get at Christmas with the different flavors. 

Understood Reciprocation is this (repeat the following outloud): My love, my effort, my actions, and my energy will always be matched. I lift a finger for someone because I know that person would lift that finger for me in the same way we'd both jump off a cliff for one another. Box 2 is asking you if your relationship is 50-50 in terms of effort. Box 2 also demands that there are no excuses. An excuse would be, well, he/she would have made that same sacrifice for me, but "______________". There are no 'buts' with Box 2, which is why you have to be honest. Is the same energy level brought to the relationship from both sides? Are both people taking the same steps toward the middle? Are more sacrifices made on one side than the other? Am I the only one trying here?

Time to fill your Box 2 with Popcorn using the table below. In terms of the love, effort, and energy I put into our relationship, my significant other puts:

0%, fill 0 compartments

25%, fill 1 compartment

50%, fill 2 compartments

75%, fill 3 compartments

100%, fill 4 compartments and eat a handful of popcorn as a snack. (Note: if you plan on eating all the popcorn from this exercise, I recommend adding butter at the half-way point. Flavored salt is also good).

Box 3
We live in a fast-paced world that's a blur sometimes. People are active. People are busy. People spin several plates then go to happy hour to complain about it. You may be dating someone who is into sports or church or community service or yoga or social groups or partying or singing or ballroom dance. Any or all of those are perfectly normal, but when they are thrown into a world of dating, the universe becomes a balancing act. But, how is it balanced?

Box 3 is labeled Unquestionable Prioritization. Two polysyllabic words that really want to know one thing:

Career Demands and Extracurricular Life aside, does this person make me feel like I'm a top priority at the end of the day? When it's really important, do I feel important in this person's life?

Ah, yes, another soul-searcher.

If the answer is No, don't touch your Box 3. If the answer is Sometimes, fill your box 33% full of dirt, and if the answer is Yes, fill your box completely full with whatever you'd like.


Box 4
Box 4 is your Treat Box. Pretend your Box 4 is 'half' full of candy. Every time your significant other displays an act that shows love, affection, compassion, kindness, thoughtfulness, selflessness, or courage towards you, place a treat in the box—candy or chocolate will work fine. (Amazing acts can be granted 2 pieces if you'd like). Every time he or she commits an act that might be considered selfish, hateful, greedy, inconsiderate, cold, or rude towards you, take a treat out of the box. You may have to project or even take the time to study the patterns over a week or a month...but in the end, would your box be losing candy (negative behaviors outweigh the positives) or would your box eventually fill up and spill over? (positives far outweigh the negatives). Hint: your box should be overflowing. You deserve that.

Take 30 seconds to study your boxes…

So here's where we sit, ladies and gentlemen. To conduct this exercise, you have someone in your life who you might be debating as appropriate for a long-term, committed relationship. You also have 4 Boxes in front of you. Before we process the results of this survey, you need to be reminded that the 4 Boxes genie does not create or manipulate attraction, chemistry, conflict resolution, or financial woes. This exercise is to test whether your somebody meets your relationship needs. There are plenty of intangibles outside the scope of this text that you can debate with Dr. Phil at later date.

And after all your effort, here it goes: If you have 4 Full Boxes in front of you, that person is a great candidate for you to pursue a long-term arrangement with. If you do not have 4 Full Boxes in front of you, then he or she may not be. (Crickets chirp) Were you expecting Calculus? Let's say you have 3 ½ full boxes….it's simply time to ask yourself—are you one to settle? Are you one to be content and not completely happy? Are you willing to feel less significant than other people and events? Are you willing to constantly treat someone better than you are treated in return? Those are for you to answer, not me.

Revisit us next week for the Defense of Each Box...


Until then I hope everyone stays motivated to find 4 full boxes one day. Happy Hunting.

~Coach Jake

P.S. Visit www.maximalme.com to see how Life Coaching applies to relationships.

The Inaugural Maximal Me Blog

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~George Eliot

Welcome to the 1st Maximal Me Blog! In 2014, I earned my certification as a Professional Life Coach and created as a project dedicated to helping others pursue a better life. The concept of coaching has always been a natural fit with my love of sports, but now I've created a program to help coach you toward your goals. The original project concept was drafted on a 'whiteboard' starting with the perfect word: Maximal.

After reading the definition, I knew immediately it would be my foundation: Let's help YOU achieve the greatest things possible. Every blog post will be include analysis of real-world challenges for either personal and professional development. Plus, I promise to include solutions, remedies, and tips you can use for improvement as you work to enhance your personal Tool Box. Perhaps somewhere in the midst of Communication, Time Management, Dating and Relationships, Professional Growth, Spirituality and Mind, and Health & Fitness, there's a specific topic you'd like to hear about? I'd love to hear from you at jake@maximalme.com Life Coaching isn't about therapy or counseling. It's journey of communication, goal-setting, and accountability on the path to improving your life. An effective Life Coach wants to celebrate your milestones and victories as you start enhancing your life, and I look forward to working with you so you can say everyday: "THIS, is the Maximal ME."

~Coach Jake