Life's Artificially Flavored Numbers

"A good decision is based on knowledge and not numbers." ~Plato

I can't explain why I chose age 27. That age and number have zero significance to me. All I know is that when I got to college, that's the age I chose for when I was going to get married. Perhaps that was an 18 year-old's projection for when life says, "Halt! You've had enough fun spending your own money. Time to let someone else spend it." Maybe my brain calculated ages that would be too old to have toddlers or teenagers in the house. Maybe I was just young and dumb.

The biggest problem, however, was that '27' stuck with me, engraved in my brain, for a long, long, time...and then from age 27 to 33, I had a heightened sense of anxiety that I was behind. Behind in life. Like I had missed the bus. As if joining AARP the same year I said my vows was a terrible thing. Maybe I was just young and dumb.

Next let me introduce you to Miles. I met Miles my freshman year of college (just a coincidence to the previous story), and I only remember Miles for 1 reason: The second he learned that the average engineering salary was $55,000...well, $55,000 became the weirdest obsession I've ever seen. You couldn't have a conversation about classes or future without Miles bringing it up. That number became his mission. A number. A large dollar number. I lost touch with Miles after our junior year, but his fixation always made me wonder about his career path and first salary.

Fast-Forward to 2 weeks ago, when a friend of mine (female, age 37) declared that if she had not had children by age 39, then she would simply not being having children. Ever. It made me genuinely sad- if for no other reason, than my strong belief that she'd be a fabulous mother. A motherhood that may never happen, possibly because of another number. This time the number was 39.

What if I told you...That I could give you tons of parental success stories after age 40?  that salary medians don't often compare apples to apples? that your marriage longevity will correlate better with your patience, rather than a timeline? that your neighbor's wealth doesn't have anything to do with your happiness? that you have enough pressures in your life so you don't need fake ones?

But I get it. You have all those numbers stuck in your head. Constantly comparing and measuring yourself as if every milestone in your life is your next battle of Keeping Up with the Joneses.  Stupid numbers.

Let's all take a deep breath and focus on one number that peeks at you every now and then. An age. A wage. A GPA. A date.  What does that number really mean? Does life end if we happened to come up just little bit short? After our recent bold stand against the Mayan calendar, that would be almost tragic if a nonsense benchmark got the best of us.

It's human nature to make comparisons and set benchmarks for ourselves. And some of those goals are absolutely worth achieving, or at least worth striving for. Let's just not beat ourselves up over the artificial ones. I wasn't married at 27. And my first job was less than the Engineering median. I let both of those affect my judgement and the way I saw my life. Yet, here I sit, with a normal pulse and blood pressure. Alive and well. I survived. I survived, because, in the end, those numbers meant absolutely nothing. If anything, I'm mad at myself for the time I lost dwelling.

So take your numbers, and simply lighten your grip on them. They'll still be there, and you can always come back and make your comparisons...maybe even nudge them a little. Just don't let them be your main focus. Put more energy into making today a better day and giving it everything you have. If you start focusing on the now and the things you have influence over, you'll soon begin to see that the ages, the dollar amounts, and the other artificial numbers, don't mean much of anything.

Now go make today great.


~Coach Jake

P.S. www.MaximalMe.com Life Coaching combines the powers of Time Management with both your short-term and long-term goals to create a plan that works perfectly into your schedule.

Part 2: Because You're Still Dating It All Wrong

"Women are like cars. We all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pick-up truck, and end up with a station wagon."  ~Tim Allen 

We're baaaaaa'aaaaaack.  Wow. What a backlash I took from Part 1 (which you'll have to read by the way, for this segment to make any sense.)   "Box 1 is impossible, your Can't Live Without List is either always changing or you may not know it all." "Dating isn't meant for math (and thus an objective model.)" And my favorite: "My relationships don't last long enough to make this test work."

When I first developed The 4 Boxes, I'll gladly admit the final product was the collision of dating disasters (both  mine and my circle of friends) with my engineering desire to use metrics to tidy-up the chaos. Is it perfect? By no means. But if you ask me if it could be used to get a message across and perhaps motivate someone to take action...I'll answer with an emphatic yes.

People may not like math, but many do like pictures. If you follow the directions, you'll have a visual aid representing a snapshot of your relationship. Now you may or may not like what you see...but it's still yours. Plus, the system will have a bit more credibility with an image you created without having to listen to Dr. Phil's condescending voice. Now it's time for Processing. Improvement and change should be your goals, or at least would be the next logical step. A step which would be most beneficial when you or a friend is stuck in no-man's land: Is this relationship long-term worthy? Do I want to go to the next step?

For the model to have credibility for you, it's important you absorb the justification for each segment. Thus, I present...the Defense of Each Box.

I'm guessing those of you who fell short might be struggling with the inner conflict to defend anything less than 4 full boxes. Your fight-or-flight instincts are flared. If you're going to fight that battle, I ask you to first examine each box individually in order to investigate the source of the missing points.

Box 1: Can't Life Withouts 

This is the box of your 'Cant-Live-Without-These-Qualities' list, so if you were truthful and accurate when you made the list, a non-full box means you are short-changing both yourself and your needs. Action Required? You can revisit the list of attributes and evaluate them in terms of 'Deal-makers' and 'Deal Breakers'. Otherwise, you deemed several items of Can't-Live-Without-Importance…so don't live without any of them.

Box 2: Understood Reciprocation

Ask anyone who has ever been married or engaged for a long time…long-term relationships are hard, hard work, and that work never ever stops. That kind of unity demands an undying effort towards the success of the relationship. At the end of the day, you want someone whose effort in the relationship is undeniable—it's a critical piece to continual commitment. Why would you want to feel like you are 'doing all the work'? The 50-50 concept should be applied to ALL facets of the relationship. After all, if it's one-sided when things are good, it's certainly going to be one-sided when times are bad.

Box 3: Unquestionable Prioritization 

I can't name one person who is dating and excited about somebody who doesn't feel like a priority. Inclusion in someone's life goes beyond effort—it's about: do I feel like I'm important to this person? Do I get the Friday and Saturday nights? Do I get preference before the friends? Do I get the invites when it's important? Does this person make sacrifices to make sure I'm a part of things? Prioritization is in essence a ranking, and if you don't feel important—how long are you willing to take a backseat to everything else?


Box 4: Your Treat Box

Box 4 should be overflowing, and that's the bottom-line. These are YOUR treats, and Box 4 is symbolic of how this person goes out of his or her way to love you. Anything less than full means the person is instilling more negative actions than positive into your life...more selfish than caring; being more hateful than thoughtful. And I don't know anyone who wants to live like that. Find yourself a situation where your Box 4 never stops being too small for it's contents. You deserve that.

And there you have it. Are any of the Boxes bound by criteria you're ready to compromise? lower your standards for?  Are you still unsettled? Comment below. At the very least, you can pass this along to the girlfriend who complains ever happy hour that her relationship is going nowhere. Hand her a pen, and you'll then have 20 minutes to talk about something else. You're welcome.

~Coach Jake

P.S. Life Coaching applies to dating just as easy as finances and health & fitness. Check out www.MaximalMe.com and ask me how.