We're baaaaaa'aaaaaack. Wow. What a backlash I took from Part 1 (which you'll have to read by the way, for this segment to make any sense.) "Box 1 is impossible, your Can't Live Without List is either always changing or you may not know it all." "Dating isn't meant for math (and thus an objective model.)" And my favorite: "My relationships don't last long enough to make this test work."
When I first developed The 4 Boxes, I'll gladly admit the final product was the collision of dating disasters (both mine and my circle of friends) with my engineering desire to use metrics to tidy-up the chaos. Is it perfect? By no means. But if you ask me if it could be used to get a message across and perhaps motivate someone to take action...I'll answer with an emphatic yes.
People may not like math, but many do like pictures. If you follow the directions, you'll have a visual aid representing a snapshot of your relationship. Now you may or may not like what you see...but it's still yours. Plus, the system will have a bit more credibility with an image you created without having to listen to Dr. Phil's condescending voice. Now it's time for Processing. Improvement and change should be your goals, or at least would be the next logical step. A step which would be most beneficial when you or a friend is stuck in no-man's land: Is this relationship long-term worthy? Do I want to go to the next step?
For the model to have credibility for you, it's important you absorb the justification for each segment. Thus, I present...the Defense of Each Box.
I'm guessing those of you who fell short might be struggling with the inner conflict to defend anything less than 4 full boxes. Your fight-or-flight instincts are flared. If you're going to fight that battle, I ask you to first examine each box individually in order to investigate the source of the missing points.
Box 1: Can't Life Withouts
This is the box of your 'Cant-Live-Without-These-Qualities' list, so if you were truthful and accurate when you made the list, a non-full box means you are short-changing both yourself and your needs. Action Required? You can revisit the list of attributes and evaluate them in terms of 'Deal-makers' and 'Deal Breakers'. Otherwise, you deemed several items of Can't-Live-Without-Importance…so don't live without any of them.
Box 2: Understood Reciprocation
Ask anyone who has ever been married or engaged for a long time…long-term relationships are hard, hard work, and that work never ever stops. That kind of unity demands an undying effort towards the success of the relationship. At the end of the day, you want someone whose effort in the relationship is undeniable—it's a critical piece to continual commitment. Why would you want to feel like you are 'doing all the work'? The 50-50 concept should be applied to ALL facets of the relationship. After all, if it's one-sided when things are good, it's certainly going to be one-sided when times are bad.
Box 3: Unquestionable Prioritization
I can't name one person who is dating and excited about somebody who doesn't feel like a priority. Inclusion in someone's life goes beyond effort—it's about: do I feel like I'm important to this person? Do I get the Friday and Saturday nights? Do I get preference before the friends? Do I get the invites when it's important? Does this person make sacrifices to make sure I'm a part of things? Prioritization is in essence a ranking, and if you don't feel important—how long are you willing to take a backseat to everything else?
Box 4: Your Treat Box
Box 4 should be overflowing, and that's the bottom-line. These are YOUR treats, and Box 4 is symbolic of how this person goes out of his or her way to love you. Anything less than full means the person is instilling more negative actions than positive into your life...more selfish than caring; being more hateful than thoughtful. And I don't know anyone who wants to live like that. Find yourself a situation where your Box 4 never stops being too small for it's contents. You deserve that.
And there you have it. Are any of the Boxes bound by criteria you're ready to compromise? lower your standards for? Are you still unsettled? Comment below. At the very least, you can pass this along to the girlfriend who complains ever happy hour that her relationship is going nowhere. Hand her a pen, and you'll then have 20 minutes to talk about something else. You're welcome.
~Coach Jake
P.S. Life Coaching applies to dating just as easy as finances and health & fitness. Check out www.MaximalMe.com and ask me how.
No comments:
Post a Comment