Imagine if you will....You're 8 months into a relationship. There you sit, comfortably enjoying a meal at a restaurant, when all of the sudden your date [insert one of the following that makes you cringe: has a conversation with his/her mouth full of food; makes a racist/intolerant comment; lights up a cigarette; curses the server over a mistake; burps with no 'excuse me'; downplays your thoughts or opinions.]
Now your seat is less comfortable. Your toes are curling. Your blood is boiling. You're halfway to offended. But then reality slaps you across the face as you have a flashback to the 2nd and 3rd and 4th dates....
You realize the person sitting across from you has been committing these crimes (well, in your eyes anyway) for months now. He/she didn't hide anything! It was right in front of your eyes, and you witnessed every single event. The disgust you're feeling right now can ultimately be traced back to ignoring the warning signs 8 months ago.
The most important question might be 'Why?' but let's expand that a bit: Why do we turn our heads to the red flags? Is the behavior just a cute quirk in the initial courting stage? If our guards are higher in the beginning, why are our filters lower? Why are they 'red' flags? Red is the symbol for fire and love. They should be 'orange'...the international symbol for caution and hazardous waste.
Ah, yes. I know some of you in the audience have your hand in the air; silently screaming to make a counter-point to the premise thus far. Let me ease your anxiety: Yes, some of these Red Flag behaviors don't even come out until month 3 or 4. A deception beast that's been biting its tongue for months...just waiting for the comfort zone to kick in...kind of like farting in front of a new partner: Once you do it the first time, it automatically becomes socially acceptable all the time.
Every dating duo, whether they become exclusive or not, reaches a point-of-no-return for comfort and behavior. That line in the sand is like discovering the truth about Santa: Most of us can't remember the exact moment, we just know it happened at some point. Seeing as these behaviors can be critical to your happiness, it's time to start paying attention to the line in the sand. Once the true colors are out, they are most likely not going anywhere.
In either case, your actions (or reactions) are really the only thing that counts. Controversial and offensive behaviors are called Red Flags for a reason. Your partner sees them as normal. Your moral standards sees them as ugly. Turning your head would seem to be an act of lowering your standards. So just how low can you go?
But I'd like to help with the power of synergy. I summoned 10 of Nashville's finest, and I asked them: What are YOUR Red Flags.
Here's our Top 30 Red Flags of Dating (as told by Music City):
No reciprocation/only talks about himself/herself
Lack of chivalry
Downplaying of smoking or drugs
Talk about Exes too much
Excuses for everything: Being late. Not calling. Not texting back.
Lack of job/motivation to get a job
No/poor relationship with family
No career plan
Lives with parents
Indecisiveness or lack of planning
Constant phone/social media attention
Too many stories about drinking
Too little/too much confidence
Unwillingness to learn new things
Unwillingness to explore new cultures
People who have no hobbies
Poor manners/Bad hygiene
Indirect/swaying answers
Hiding/exaggerating pertinent information
Temper explosions
Rude to servers/bartenders/waiters
His/her schedule > your schedule
Name dropping (hints of money)
Text only communication. No calling.
Eyes wander to check others out
Posting their entire lives on social media
Always wanting to go out and be seen/be a socialite
Only calling/texting during certain hours including late night
Unusually high number of opposite sex friends
Crazy cat lady
Now THAT is a great list. One time I got to a 5th date and realized she had yet to ask a single question about me. One month in, and she knew nothing about my job, my family, or my passions. And if I hadn't stopped the madness when I did, I would have ended up dating whoever Toby Keith was dating when he wrote the song I Wanna Talk About Me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Thank you, Nashville, for your help.
The red flags are waving. Don't wave back. Find better colors for yourself.~Coach Jake
P.S. Ask how MaximalMe.com Life Coaching can enhance your dating filters so you can date more effectively.
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