When I hit the rewind button for the last 15 years, I realize there is one topic that busts it's way in to every social gathering: dating.
Who gave their ex another chance (That makes 6 chances). The continuous victim of his/her bad decisions. The whining. The never-ending text battles post-break-up. The hook-up with the guy she knew for 12 minutes. And countless examples of perhaps the deadliest silent killer of dating: the lowering of standards...or settling.
I frequently found myself wanting to say the same thing every time: "You're dating all wrong." Instead, I became just another voice in the crowd offering the ambiguous, pat-you-on-the-back counseling. "It will happen when you least expect it." "You'll find someone when you stop trying so hard."
Well, single people, I'm speaking up now. Welcome to the world's newest model for effective dating…Welcome to The 4 Boxes. It's easy. You'll need a pencil and paper. And some honesty.
With The 4 Boxes model, you are granted 4 containers. They don't have to be boxes—make them buckets, metal tool chests, cookie jars, or those plastic storage units we all had in college…give yourself whatever you feel comfortable using. In a moment, I'm going to ask you to put items in each box based on your current relationship. However, before I continue, let's get the assumptions out of the way: 1. 4 Boxes assumes that you've either been dating the person in question -OR- that mutual dating interest has been shown and you can you speak at a high level about their personality. Crushes and Secret admirers will have to pursue other avenues of strategy. 2. If 4 Boxes is going to be the tool you need to it be, the model should only be used by people looking for healthy, long-term relationships.
Are your containers ready? Good.
Box 1
So Box 1 is the storage for all the characteristics and attributes in a dating partner that you would consider critical requirements, ie., your personal list of "Can't Live Without's". I would expect everyone to want his or her Box 1 to include items such as honesty and understanding, and then you'd include more personalized touches such as family-oriented, career-minded, or athletic. Remember, Box 1 is a Can't Live Without box, not a Dream Human Being box. That's the difference between writing 'athletic' and writing '3 handicap on the golf course' on the outside of the box. YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. What are the necessities you need in a relationship?
Take some time to consider the items you want in your Box 1 and write them on the outside. I would aim for 6-8 items, but it's your box. When you're finished, the potential volume of your box is the number of items you wrote on it: 8 characteristics = 8 units in your box. With your box labeled, it's time to consider your current relationship. Examine each item on your list, and if your partner meets that item, place 1 arbitrary unit in your box. Now, people, have fun with this!! When I say arbitrary unit, put whatever you want in the box, just know that 8 of them (in this example) fills the box up. Proceed to next item on the list. Repeat until your list has been fully inspected. In one corner of the box, write your fraction for (partner meeting the need)/(potential volume. 1/8?, 4/8?, 8/8?
Box 2
Box 2 will take some deep thought, some reflection, and some brutal honesty from your self. Box 2 is labeled Understood Reciprocation. The concept itself is really easy; however, the brutal honesty part is not. First, hover over your Box 2 and you will notice there are 4 compartments, similar to those tubs of popcorn you get at Christmas with the different flavors.
Understood Reciprocation is this (repeat the following outloud): My love, my effort, my actions, and my energy will always be matched. I lift a finger for someone because I know that person would lift that finger for me in the same way we'd both jump off a cliff for one another. Box 2 is asking you if your relationship is 50-50 in terms of effort. Box 2 also demands that there are no excuses. An excuse would be, well, he/she would have made that same sacrifice for me, but "______________". There are no 'buts' with Box 2, which is why you have to be honest. Is the same energy level brought to the relationship from both sides? Are both people taking the same steps toward the middle? Are more sacrifices made on one side than the other? Am I the only one trying here?
Time to fill your Box 2 with Popcorn using the table below. In terms of the love, effort, and energy I put into our relationship, my significant other puts:
0%, fill 0 compartments
25%, fill 1 compartment
50%, fill 2 compartments
75%, fill 3 compartments
100%, fill 4 compartments and eat a handful of popcorn as a snack. (Note: if you plan on eating all the popcorn from this exercise, I recommend adding butter at the half-way point. Flavored salt is also good).
Box 3
We live in a fast-paced world that's a blur sometimes. People are active. People are busy. People spin several plates then go to happy hour to complain about it. You may be dating someone who is into sports or church or community service or yoga or social groups or partying or singing or ballroom dance. Any or all of those are perfectly normal, but when they are thrown into a world of dating, the universe becomes a balancing act. But, how is it balanced?
Box 3 is labeled Unquestionable Prioritization. Two polysyllabic words that really want to know one thing:
Career Demands and Extracurricular Life aside, does this person make me feel like I'm a top priority at the end of the day? When it's really important, do I feel important in this person's life?
Ah, yes, another soul-searcher.
If the answer is No, don't touch your Box 3. If the answer is Sometimes, fill your box 33% full of dirt, and if the answer is Yes, fill your box completely full with whatever you'd like.
Box 4
Box 4 is your Treat Box. Pretend your Box 4 is 'half' full of candy. Every time your significant other displays an act that shows love, affection, compassion, kindness, thoughtfulness, selflessness, or courage towards you, place a treat in the box—candy or chocolate will work fine. (Amazing acts can be granted 2 pieces if you'd like). Every time he or she commits an act that might be considered selfish, hateful, greedy, inconsiderate, cold, or rude towards you, take a treat out of the box. You may have to project or even take the time to study the patterns over a week or a month...but in the end, would your box be losing candy (negative behaviors outweigh the positives) or would your box eventually fill up and spill over? (positives far outweigh the negatives). Hint: your box should be overflowing. You deserve that.
Take 30 seconds to study your boxes…
So here's where we sit, ladies and gentlemen. To conduct this exercise, you have someone in your life who you might be debating as appropriate for a long-term, committed relationship. You also have 4 Boxes in front of you. Before we process the results of this survey, you need to be reminded that the 4 Boxes genie does not create or manipulate attraction, chemistry, conflict resolution, or financial woes. This exercise is to test whether your somebody meets your relationship needs. There are plenty of intangibles outside the scope of this text that you can debate with Dr. Phil at later date.
And after all your effort, here it goes: If you have 4 Full Boxes in front of you, that person is a great candidate for you to pursue a long-term arrangement with. If you do not have 4 Full Boxes in front of you, then he or she may not be. (Crickets chirp) Were you expecting Calculus? Let's say you have 3 ½ full boxes….it's simply time to ask yourself—are you one to settle? Are you one to be content and not completely happy? Are you willing to feel less significant than other people and events? Are you willing to constantly treat someone better than you are treated in return? Those are for you to answer, not me.
Revisit us next week for the Defense of Each Box...
Until then I hope everyone stays motivated to find 4 full boxes one day. Happy Hunting.
~Coach Jake
P.S. Visit www.maximalme.com to see how Life Coaching applies to relationships.
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